For the past several months I have been going back and forth over trying to reason with my wife and get another chance to try and save our marriage. Some days I have called it quits, other days she has called it quits. The feedback I get from everyone is torn right down the middle. Half tell me that marriage is always difficult and we should both try harder to salvage what we have. The other half tells me that enough is enough, and to cut my losses.
So let me ask everyone:
- How would you feel if you couldn’t tell your wife a joke you heard, because she couldn’t understand the innuendo or slang?
- How would you feel if you couldn’t go to a movie because one of you won’t understand any of it?
- How would you feel if you had to explain every piece of culture from a “jack-o-lantern” to a “thanksgiving turkey” and your wife will never be interested.
- How would you feel if everything you said to your wife had to be blunt and to the point? (no slang or abbr.)
In case you didn’t know by now my wife is Korean. She found me online looking for someone to practice her English with. I was stationed in Korea with the Army which she saw, and knew that I had good English skills (or assumed that I did) and was in the same time zone as her. Ironically we were only 20 minutes apart.
Talking with her at first my Army friends made fun of me because I had to talk so slow. Dohee (pronounced “dough” as in bread, and “he” as in him), had to use those pauses in between each work to translate what I was saying. Over time this corrected itself and I was able to talk faster.
Before meeting me, Dohee had never been to the United States, and barely knew anything about it. Of course there is the history that everyone reads about in the text books, or the war in Iraq that we all see on TV, but that says nothing of our culture.
When they teach English in Korea, they teach proper English. They also mix Australian, Great Britain, and American style English dictionaries. They don’t teach slang and innuendo’s. Why is this a big deal? Imagine having someone close to you in which you couldn’t fully share a joke, or watch a sitcom together.
A joke that takes a twist on the English language such as, “Two men walk into a bar, you would think the second one would of missed it”. Dohee would never make the connection, because she is translating the word “bar” into the Korean word for a “drinking bar”, which is completely different than the word for a “steal bar”. Imagine if the joke read, “Two men walk into a night club, you would think the second one would of missed it”. If I told you that, you would think I am an idiot.
Then of course what teacher in a formal society such as Korea would teach sexual innuendo’s? Yet, that includes half of the programming on TV. The only thing we could really watch together was the Disney Channel cause the grammar was on a level she could understand. Her favorite TV show is “Drake & Josh”.
Every Christmas in Korea, Dohee’s family worked in a bakery they run. There were no presents, no tree, not a single decoration. We would get a cake from the bakery then order some food. Every restaurant was open and still delivering. In my family Christmas was a big deal. My parents would max out credit cards just trying to make a bigger celebration. Even now my parents live at home with just the two of them, all kids have moved out, and they still put up a tree.
Yet, I married someone who tells me that its wasteful and bad for the environment to cut down a tree just to throw it away in a month. While she may be right, there is meaning in it too me. Something that I can’t teach her and don’t even know how to begin explaining. Regardless she will never share my enthusiasm.
Any joking, teasing, flirting, for either of us is next to impossible cause its either portrayed as one of us is an idiot, perverted, or grossly amused with something that shouldn’t be funny. How do you keep a relationship alive without a little humor or spontaneous romance? How do you enjoy the holidays if your wife thinks they are foolish.
You want cut down a tree, bring in the house so the needles can fall off, the baby can eat them, and I have to vacuum several times a day, just so we can throw it away, in a month?
You want to cook a huge turkey for one meal, and just the three of us? We can’t eat all that food, its a waste of money. Buy a chicken its smaller.
I could sit here all day and write about scenarios such as these. We have gone to counseling, we have tried being separated, but its been 5 years. The towel is now in shreds from getting “thrown in” so many times. (she wouldn’t understand that pun either)
It is sad, and I think both of us wish it could work. We can force ourselves to make it work, but for what reason? Because of our daughter? Because in the eyes of God divorce is wrong? Because dating sucks? Maybe those are good reasons, but by walking away now, we still have our heads held high and our dignity in tact (well…., some of it anyway).
Her name is on my bank account, and she has her own debit card in which she can take any money out of my account at any time. This way is better cause she takes her child support, and I don’t pay it. If she needs more she asks and we talk. There is no waiting for a check in the mail or anything, she has what she needs.
I am still paying for her cell phone and I haven’t changed the passwords to my e-mail or anything else. We still trust each other and talk like we are old friends. We are a divorced couple that holds no hard feelings. I trust her with my money and my daughter. While some things have changed, a lot that normally change after a divorce has not.
It has long since been over, I just refused to believe it. I still care for her, and will still hold her dear for some time. The logic over everything keeps me clear, it just can’t work between us. There was a spot of lust we mistaked for romance, and now that is all over.
Its better this way, our daughter is too young to ever be truly affected. She will grow up with happy parents, its just we won’t live together.
Not all decisions are easy ones. This one took some time to come to realize. But I think we have made the best choice for everyone.
When two worlds colide, everything comes crashing down.
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Alas.. I would just say cut your losses.. sounds like you’re frustrated and need someone you can share your life with.. and sounds like she’s almost becoming a burden.. just from the frustrated undertones of your post.. But.. ONLY You know what to do.. Love her for being the mother of your lovely child.. and work with her on that but as for the relationship? I’d say let it go..
I am one pretty much useless in romance and marriage.. so don’t go by me.. that’s just my gut feeling when I read your post.
Hope to see ya At Dvc sometime! *hugs*